Saturday, March 21, 2015

Jennifer Lawrence is Consuming a Disproportionate Share of the World's Collagen

So I'm about half-way through my last 12 hours of empty nest freedom, and Juneau has dealt me a good hand of a typically foul and rainy day in which to remain in my pajamas and watch Netlfix until my eyeballs fall out of my head. 

I just got done watching The Silver Linings Playbook. Aside from loving the movie and feeling mildly concerned that all the supposedly crazy people in it seemed perfectly normal, sane, appealing, and relatable to me, my primary takeaway was that Jennifer Lawrence is consuming a disproportionate share of the world's collagen and must be stopped.

I know she is only 24, but even when I was 24, I did not have nearly as much collagen in my face as she does. I mean look at her. This is an outrage. Especially when 7-14% of MY collagen has vanished in the past seven years and I put out this APB to track it down.

The U.N. needs to take swift action against this mounting global crisis. Collagen is a finite and non-renewable resource. Just ask Al Gore. Have you seen him lately? Very jowly. Some of us have to stoop to using elaborate, $472 wrinkle cream regimens (or as Geoff calls it, my "at-home plastic surgery kit"), while Jennifer Lawrence is out there walking the streets, devoid of "expression lines" and just gobbling up as much collagen as she wants with her plump lips and full cheeks and totally invisible "nasoabial folds."

The government needs to impose some sort of collagen credit program so that certain selfish assholes like this don't go around acting like the world is just this bottomless, never-ending source of collagen and they can individually take as much collagen as they want. It's not fair, and it's not right. 

Someone needs to pass a law, or sign a treaty/accord, or adjust collagen consumption standards or something. This shit is fucked up. It's time to write to Congress, march on Washington, and just all around DO something before it's too late and the rest of us are wrinkly and hideous because Jennifer Lawrence and collagen-hogs like her are permitted to just go stomping around with their huge collagen footprints, just consuming collagen willy-nilly like there's no tomorrow.

Come on people. Get angry! Get motivated! Act now, while there's still time.

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