Monday, March 30, 2015

If Facebook Was a Waiter

Good Evening, folks! My name is Mark, I'll be your server this evening. Can I get you guys started off with a drink? We have a great selection of beers on tap tonight.

We've got the robust and heady Indignation Porter, brought to you by Ted Cruz and the NRA, both of whom are #trending right now. We've also got The Things You Do Both on Your Blog and In Real Life Are Stupid, Trivial, and Meaningless IPA, hand-brewed by the Humans of New York (HONY) blog. And I highly recommend the hoppy, nutty amber, from your friend Amber. The one who always posts shots of her feet and/or herself jumping mid-air on a beach somewhere.

Also, let me tell you about the specials. Tonight's appetizer is the latest shenanigans from Kanye West, Lena Dunham, or Bill Cosby (your choice), braised and drizzled with a light is this asshole even for real cream sauce. Highly recommend it.

Our special entree--we've got three, actually--is a hearty helping of random baby and brunch pictures. That comes with a side of who got fat and who lost weight, topped with a wow that vacation could not have been even close to as awesome as it looks balsamic reduction. It's served over an I can't believe their kid is reading Harry Potter already and they want everyone to know it cous-cous.

We've also got a special selection of cute, grainy dog and cat videos. That's breaded with a light cornmeal crust of distractify, buzzfeed, and bored panda links, and finished with another video of a random guy doing extreme bike and ski tricks off the side of a mountain.

And you can't miss the bully/bitch from high school who friended you out of the blue, for reasons that are unclear. That's served with a spicy tomato-avocado chutney on a bed of why is this rando from work in my newsfeed all the time.

For dessert,
 we've got a nice creme brûlée of ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends, prepared by our pastry chef who's been specially trained in the regret, shame, humiliation, anger, frustration, depression, and schadenfreude technique. 

Our dessert cocktail is guilt from a gofundme page that you'll contemplate donating to, but forget about six seconds later when you read about the shocking death of the latest celebrity to die. R.I.P. whoever you are!

Let me give you a few minutes to think about all of that. I'll be right back with those drinks.

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