Thursday, March 12, 2015

I Can't Even With Frozen 2, But I Did Just Make Up a Pretty Good Sequel to "Let it Go"

Just when I thought it was safe to go back to the movies, Disney-Pixar announced today that Frozen 2 is coming out. 

As I’ve said before, Elsa from Frozen can kiss my ass. She's the bane of my existence, and now that blonde bitch is back like a fucking ice princess zombie from the depths of snowy Arrendale to ambush my house for yet another holiday season to be determined.

The producers of Frozen claim they're really looking forward to "being back in the world with those characters." Loose translation: they're looking forward to being back in the black with more green than the Federal Reserve.

In honor of this impending atrocity, I give you Let it Flow, the sequel to the number one smash hit single from the original Frozen soundtrack. I’m saving Disney-Pixar the trouble of cobbling together another hit song. Try this on for size, Disney-Pixar!

The gold glows bright in the bank tonight
What a blueprint for the green
A horizon of epic profits, an Elsa-Anna cash machine
We're making rain now like a hurricane outside
We’re raking dollars in, we’re killing it worldwide

Just raise your stock, nothing is free!
Be the corporate dicks your MBA degree says to be
Just close the deal, just make that dough
With this shit show!

Let it flow, let it flow!
Can’t hold Olaf back anymore
Let it flow, let it flow!
Fuck it, let's open a Frozen store
I don’t care what their parents say
Let the craze rage on
Their opinions never mattered much anyway.

It’s funny how ten billion
Makes 1.3 seem small
And the shareholders that once maligned us, can’t gripe to us at all
It’s time to see what we can do
To test the limits and break through
No right no wrong, not for Disney
Or its trustees!

Let it flow, let it flow
Til our profits go sky high
Let it flow, let it flow
No little girl will pass this by!
Here we’ll stand, and here we’ll stay.
Let the craze rage on

Frozen 2 might make us want to slam our heads into the ground
But we don’t care we have box office tie-ins all around
Our ducats crystallizing like an icy blast
Happy Meal dolls and toys; crank that plastic shit out fast!

Let it flow, let it flow
Our stock will rise like the break of dawn
Let it flow, let it flow,
From New York to Milan!
Here we stand, get out of our way!

Let the craze rage on
We're gonna make Frozen 3, 4, and 5 someday!

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