Sunday, March 15, 2015

FBI Profile of the Person Who Drinks Kirkland Signature Light Beer fromCostco

An alert reader sent me this snapshot of a shelf full of Kirkland Signature Light Beer from Costco. And it got me thinking, how would the FBI profile the typical consumer of this beverage? (Now keep in mind: the FBI calls it a PROFILE for a reason, so don't get on my case about that). Let me take a stab at it, just in case Quantico ever comes calling for my mad profiling skills.

Consumer is a white male, age 18 (with fake ID) to 45. Lives in a suburb or exurb of a mid-sized mid-Atlantic, mid-Western or Western city. Favorite band is Rascal Flatts. Second favorite band is Metallica. Is or was in a fraternity. Plays online fantasy football and Grand Theft Auto on X-Box. Surfs standard-issue plastic titty porn on the internet/Samsung Galaxy X mobile device on a fairly regular basis, and occasionally hits the local Hooters or non-sketchy strip club near the overpass. You know, just to catch the game. And for the wings. Come on. Everyone in town knows that Indiscretions off Hamilton Blvd. has the best wings! 

Owns a Weber kettle charcoal grill and if married, has two to three kids under the age of 10. Works in IT, owns a contracting business, and/or coaches P.E. at the local community college. Girlfriend/wife has processed blonde highlights and french manicure gel tip fingernails. 

Extremely committed to getting housed at least once a week in the cheapest and least efficient way possible. Is a loud and happy boisterous drunk, although isn't afraid of a little bar room brawling if the circumstances call for it. Enjoys motorized toys, e.g. ATVs and jet skis. 

Always, ALWAYS brings a cooler full of Kirkland Signature Light beer to "The Lake" for trout fishing with "The Guys" or for tail-gating. Drives a Chevy or Ford F-150.

Addresses peers by the salutation "Bro" and/or "Brosef" and loves any movie starring Vince Vaughn--especially Swingers and Wedding Crashers. Perpetually "hitting the gym" due to perpetual 20 pound love-handles. 

Prior criminal record: misdemeanors (minor consuming, trespassing, criminal mischief for slashing school bus tires in high school). Maybe once did something potentially a teensy bit date rapey, but doesn't like to think about it too much. No felony record.

Eat your heart out, Clarice Starling!

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