In one of many (MANY) "stop the planet, I want to get off" moments this week, one of my favorite blogs, Jezebel, hipped me to the complete and total steaming pile of reeking wrongness and nope-ness that is the "child bride photo shoot."
Yes people, this exists. For REALS! In Wisconsin! Not even Bangkok or Manila! From some company called "All Seasons."
I mean, the zillion levels of wrong, disturbing, wow, nope, and straight-up jacked-ness inherent in this concept are difficult to quantify. That's because it's pretty hard to imagine anything more child bride-y, sex traffick-ey, and downright borderline pedophilic-ey than
. . . Wait for it . . .
DRESSING YOUR TODDLER GIRL IN A WEDDING GOWN AND VEIL, HANDING HER A BRIDAL SHOPPING MAGAZINE, SEATING HER ON A WHITE PEDESTAL, AND TAKING HER PROFESSIONAL PICTURE.
I say this in all caps just so it's perfectly clear to readers exactly WTF is happening in the picture below.
I mean, I have two words for this: JonBenet Ramsey. This makes "Toddlers in Tiaras" look like Mister Rogers' Neighborhood! What's next? Stripper pole toddler photo shoot? Hooters Juniors? Sure, why not? Let's just go ahead and stick our daughters in pasties and clear heels for a future keepsake. We can even have them standing in thong-diapers with Monopoly money shoved into the extra-absorbent Huggies waistband. You know, just so we have a memento and a harbinger of their bright futures as "dancers" at the Alaska Bush Company or on the Vegas Strip.
I have four and a half more (admittedly judgmental) words for any parent who thinks this is cute and/or a good idea: YOU ARE FUCKIN' CRAY-CRAY. Also, your kid might belong in state custody.