Saturday, February 28, 2015

Mother-Daughter Conflict

There's no female on planet earth that I love more than my daughter, Paige. However, she is also SECRETLY the biggest beeotch I know.

Yes, I know she might read this someday. And yes, I am OK with that. Mostly because I am positive the "love-more-than-life itself/biggest-bitch-on-earth" feeling is mutual.

And I know I can't be the only mother of a girl who has thought to herself, "Wow. I've met a LOT of bitches in my life. I just never thought my own 7 year-old daughter would be one of them..."

That's probably because there's no one who stands in Paige's way more firmly than me. No one who interferes more consistently with her executive "vision" of how shit is supposed to go down.

There's no one else who puts the kibosh on her grand plans to put $50 worth of real flowers on a cake; to make a science experiment with every spice in the cupboard; to jack up the volume of that shit-ass television program "Monster High" to 800 screaming decibels; to make a fort out of all our furniture right after we finished cleaning the whole effing house; to draw on the windows with soap and window markers; to tell her brother he smells like poop and pee until he cries; to beg for face paint, finger paint, and the messiest, most elaborate bullshit she can think of EXACTLY when we are trying to get out the door; and to generally say "potato" every single time I say "potahto."

And it's in these moments of mother-daughter conflict that I find myself waiting for Paige to turn her back so that I can mouth the word "BITCH!!" as I give her the finger while she's not looking.

Today on the playground, Paige, Isaac, and a friend were playing a game in which their mothers had died and left them to fend for themselves. This is a classic dark fantasy of all children, of course. Every Disney movie and many famous children's books are based on it.

Still, I don't recall a scene in any of those books or movies where the sweet little girl leaned over and whispered conspiratorially in her mother's ear--as Paige did to me a few months ago after I had nixed one of her plans for the hundredth time that day--"I'm gonna kill you, Mommy."

I sleep with one eye open, people. One eye open...

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