Saturday, February 7, 2015

I Don't Know Who Steph Davis Is, But I Know She Makes Me Hate Myself

This is Steph Davis. Apparently she is a famous rock climber sponsored by Patagonia, Montrail, Oakley, and that chick in the background with dreads.

I discovered Steph Davis by happenstance, while taking a leak in the bathroom at our local indoor climbing gym. Her poster (the one pictured below) is on the wall there. Oh, I wasn't climbing. Hahaha. Don't you worry about that! I was chasing Isaac around and eating salami and watching slack-jawed while other people with skills I'll never bother to even try to acquire and who are in way better shape than me crawled up a wall faster than a brown recluse spider on PCP.

Readers of this blog are well aware that there is a very long list of things, people, circumstances, and situations that make me hate myself. I'm happy to report that today, I can add a stranger named Steph Davis to that list.

Although I had never heard of Steph Davis before today, that didn't stop me from promptly adding her to my long and ever-growing collection of reasons to hate myself.

And when you think about it, the reasons are obvious. I mean, just look at her scaling a rock wall with chalk on her hands. Look at the way her long, brown hair splays out behind her while her wiry, sinewy body conquers the wall of a cliff I would be afraid to inspect from the relative safety of a helicopter. Check out her too-cool-for-school climbing partner with dreads that probably smell like patchouli. There is NO doubt that both their asses look amazing in a climbing harness, instead of like a rump roast hanging in the window of a butcher shop on Delancey Street in the East Village, which is how my ass looks in a climbing harness.

I'm sure after this climb they went out for microbrews with their hot climber boyfriends, courtesy of Patagonia, which they deserved, because they had just burned the equivalent of 12 microbrews climbing a 2,000 foot, 90° rock wall while making a really cool looking poster in the process.

Yup, I don't know who Steph Davis is, but I know she makes me hate myself.

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