Thursday, February 19, 2015

Fight for Your Right

I'm currently traveling out of Juneau, which is always fun. But I was dismayed to learn that the hotel I'm staying at has a "no party policy!" What the WHA? I have just one word for that: LAME!!!

The lamest thing about this is their definition of a party: "A party can occur anytime persons not registered in your guest room remain for more than a few minutes and another guest reports a disturbance."

What?! I mean, really. That sounds like the worst and most boring party ever! I'm considering writing to the hotel and asking them to amend their definition of a "party" on this poster.

In my opinion, a true hotel "party" needs to have, at a MINIMUM: two members of Def Leppard, Motley Crüe, or similar washed-up butt rock hair band; six strippers in lucite heels and pasties; a stripper pole; two kilos of blow; a case of Jack Daniels; three ounces of weed; rolling papers; nine cartons of Pall Malls (methol and regular); several hypodermic needles; eight dozen hot wings; four large cheese pizzas; a sub-woofer blasting Metallica; seven sheets of acid; a flat screen TV ready to be thrown out a window at a moment's notice; a box of Dunkin' Donuts coffee; a dozen purple latex strap-on dildos; six boxes of Roman Candle fireworks; and a large candy bowl filled with a mixture of green M&Ms and barbiturates.

Now THAT'S a party. "Remain[ing] for more than a few minutes and another guest reports a disturbance" my ass!

Anything less than the above is for amateurs and pussies. And I defy you to find a single self-respecting hotel partier who would disagree with me.


  1. FYI the liquor store right by the Cook is a genuine Brown Jug with reasonable prices. Discount for 6 bottles!

  2. Oh my goodness.... laughing so hard. Thank you. That is the lamest party description EVER. Even I throw better parties than that.


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