Saturday, February 28, 2015

A Slide Show of Your Entree's Life

Tonight I was lucky enough to go out for dinner to a restaurant that didn't issue paper coloring-placemats and a four-pack of crayons with its menus.

There was stuff there that I've come to recognize from TV and magazines as trendy, like "coriander foam" and "braised pork belly" and a "creme brûlée du jour" (this "jour's" particular "creme" was "maple bacon").

I've noticed that with food like this, it's not enough to just call it scallops or chicken or bacon or beef or whatever. It needs to be qualified with some sort of adjective. Like "applewood smoked" bacon or "grassfed Kobe" beef or "weathervane" scallops.

Don't get me wrong, that shit was delicious.

But it got me thinking how maybe it would be a good idea to take the whole "I need to know the full story of my trendy food" thing a little bit further. Like something that could really end up on an episode of Portlandia, perhaps.

Basically, you'd order up your braised pork belly as usual, but instead of just hearing what farm it came from and what it ate and how few hormones and antibiotics it got while it was alive, the waiter would bring an actual iPad Mini to your table, stand it up, and start playing a slideshow of the pig's entire life.

It would be like a wedding or a bar mitzvah. Pictures would flash by showing the pig as a piglet nursing, eating grass, running around in hay, and maybe even talking to a spider named Charlotte. The whole thing would be set to "Fields of Gold" by Sting or maybe "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton.

The final shot would be of the pig getting walked gently to a humane slaughterhouse by a 20 year-old white girl with dreadlocks, and the waiter would return just in time to assure you that the pig's last meal was (by request), a hearty mash of organic amaranth and old growth, blue Aztec maize kernels ... with coriander foam.

Then the waiter would replace the iPad Mini with a big white plate featuring your braised pork belly right in the middle.

Now that's what I call dinner!




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