Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Why Do I Do These Things to Myself?

When I was back east over Christmas, I saw a friend from law school who looked amazing and healthy. Just in time for a cliche New Year's resolution--oh I'm sorry--MISSION STATEMENT--she managed to convince me to order (and consume) these "health shakes" that are part of some "system" she swears by. I'm not one for fad diets or gimmicks, especially if they include "shakes" that are part of a "system." 

Honestly, the only reason I agreed to try these shakes at all was because ten years ago, this same friend gave me a Hitachi Magic Wand in gratitude for sharing my bar exam study outlines with her, and she didn't steer me wrong. If you don't know what a Hitachi Magic Wand is, all I can say is don't Google it at work. And if you're a woman, order it post-haste (from home). End of story. Back to the shakes.

Within ten minutes of seeing my friend, I was like, I need these shakes. Not so much for weight loss (although I could certainly stand to watch a few dinner rolls fall out of my proverbial oven). No, it was more for the prospect of consuming actual, scientifically pre-determined nutrients without having to think about it, as opposed to my customary diet of coffee with coffee-mate and Prozac for breakfast; cake and lettuce for lunch; and rice pasta swimming in grease for dinner. So I figured, why the hell not? I impulse bought them right then and there in my friend's living room, and they were waiting for me on my doorstep when I arrived home. 

I probably don't need to tell you that the answer to my rhetorical question of, "why the hell not?" came on Day 1 of the shakes, which my friend admitted would require some "transition" time, since my body apparently needs to be "trained" into absorbing real nutrients. This "transition," by the way, involves starvation, hives, diarrhea, excessive salivation, and heartburn. Also, did I mention starvation? But since I know a week of this (probably) won't kill me, I am giving my friend the benefit of the doubt, because according to her, on Day 4 I will "LOVE" the shakes and will not be able to "WAIT" to "eat" one every morning.

I have my doubts, to say the least. I secretly need to go out right now and get a pile of lettuce and a gluten-free cupcake for lunch. Also, if I do in fact perish, please follow the funeral and bereavement arrangements detailed in today's prior post.

POSTSCRIPT: I've just now discovered that another aspect of the "transition" is vomiting. So I will be giving the boot to this shake plan, Hitachi Magic Wand notwithstanding. To be fair, the shakes' website says "results may vary." But also to be fair, the caveat did not include as one of the variable results "puking into the waste basket in your office."

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