Tuesday, January 27, 2015

"Unsealed Alien Files": A TV Show Review

There is literally nothing that makes me laugh harder than conspiracy theories. Especially government-based conspiracy theories about shit like 9/11 being an inside job; the moon landing being staged on a locked set in Hollywood; and organized cover-ups of alien abductions. 

So naturally, "Unsealed Alien Files" is my new Netflix obsession and it is delectably trashy. Here is how the producers describe the show:

In April 2011 the FBI declassified decades' worth of secret government documents that contain thousands of reports of UFO sightings and alien activity. Each episode of this half-hour series tackles one alien case by investigating the previously off-limits government files. The program re-examines key evidence and follows developing leads based on newly released information. Mass UFO sightings, personal abductions, government cover-ups, and alien news from around the world are some of the topics covered by the show's panel of specialists, who include journalists, researchers, and radio and TV hosts. After watching an episode of "Unsealed: Alien Files," you may begin to believe that "we are not alone."

What the producers fail to describe are some of the most appealing features of this program. But don't worry, I will outline them for you:

  • The "panel of specialists" is the same two or three crackpots featured on every episode (I've watched about ten) interviewed by Skype (I guess it wasn't in the budget to fly them in for filming). One has a British accent so automatically sounds credible. Another one is a self-identified "Lawyer, PhD, and UFO radio show host" who speaks with a shocking level of unfounded authority and self-confidence, as he is manifestly crazier than a shit house rat.
  • Every map shown is courtesy of Google Earth (another budget issue, to be sure).
  • The cause-and-effect "evidence" of extraterrestrial activity always goes something like this: "Look at the case of Roswell, New Mexico. Everyone saw something in the sky at the same time. THE ONLY possible explanation is aliens." Or "I ate a hot dog for breakfast today. The next day someone in Peru saw something in the sky and puked. The ONLY possible explanation is an extra-terrestrial plague!" No matter what the effect or its array of possible causes, the panel of specialists continues to insist that THE ONLY possible explanation is aliens.
  • A narrator with a very deep and ominous voice who consistently warns of the dangers that lurk among humanity and in its checkered past.
Here are some other really interesting facts I learned from watching about half the episodes of "Unsealed Alien Files":
  • The show tells you--FOR THE FIRST TIME--a huge amount of information "the government doesn't want you to know." 
  • Aliens caused the Bubonic Plague, AIDS, and Hanta Virus.
  • The Obama administration has categorically denied the existence of an alien cover-up. Accordingly, THE ONLY possible explanation for this denial is that such a cover-up exists!
  • Human-alien hybrids walk among us and are divided into various species named by color (such as "the greys" and "the reds."). The ones with reptilian skin are called "Reptiloids." There is also one species of hybrid that looks very human-like and means no harm to us.
  • Alien bodies are buried in secret bunkers under the Vatican in Rome, and the Catholic Church has been instrumental in covering up alien activity for centuries.
  • A retired air force colonel was given a secret message in binary code (a series of 0s and 1s) after he touched a spaceship in the woods in England one night while on patrol. Subsequently, a 25 year-old code-cracker fueled by Mountain Dew, Doritos, and Clearasil figured out that an exploration of humanity (either from the future or from outer space) is currently underway.
  • Two guys wearing black suits and hats walked into a hotel in Niagara Falls in the 1980s and were captured on closed circuit TV. The so-called "men in black" were obviously aliens (as opposed to Christian missionaries). It's THE ONLY possible explanation!
  • Los Angeles is actually a UFO portal.
  • The Nazis were in cahoots with aliens during WWII and relied on them for some of their sinister technology.
  • The technological might of the American military was co-opted from aliens. It's THE ONLY possible explanation for advances in weapons and airplane technology over the past fifty years.
  • Alien bodies--and live aliens that need human body parts to survive--are currently housed in a refrigerator/underground secret laboratory on a base in New Mexico.
  • Aliens have implanted parasites into the skin of humans and impregnated them for purposes of biological experimentation.
In short, I have now spent many hours of my life that I can never get back stuffing my face (literally) with popcorn (is there any other way to eat popcorn) and watching Unsealed Alien Files. 

You should too!





12 comments:

  1. This show is horrible. I can't believe its in its fourth season...not a single film clip is original film...it all stock footage with an ominous voice over.....hashed over crap. The experts and celebrities of Ancient Aliens tv show look like Mensa candidates compared with this show....and they are another earthlings can't do anything without alien help....I thought Ancient Aliens scraped the bottom of the barrel when it suggested alines had something to do with the outcome of the Civil War...but then another barrel appeared...hahah

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  2. unsealed alien files is a complete joke!! if ANY civilization mastered travel to the stars, wouldn't their maturity keep pace with their technology??? BTW if they were savage asshats like human beings have been throughout history and they decided to attack us, theres not a FU*KING thing we could do about it!

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  3. Huge mistake. In episode 18, season 2, they mistakenly report the battle of Los Angeles incident of 1942 as an incident happening on June 14 1992. And they procede to show all the black and white footage and very old newspaper clippings of something that happened in 1992. Lol if that's not a dead giveaway that no ones paying attention to the production of this garbage then I don't know what is. Just for fun I looked online and apparently on June 14, 1992 there was a sighting of a bunch of UFOs by independent observers but nothing whatsoever of the significance that was reported in the popular battle of Los Angeles that supposedly took place many decades ago.

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  4. Huge mistake. In episode 18, season 2, they mistakenly report the battle of Los Angeles incident of 1942 as an incident happening on June 14 1992. And they procede to show all the black and white footage and very old newspaper clippings of something that happened in 1992. Lol if that's not a dead giveaway that no ones paying attention to the production of this garbage then I don't know what is. Just for fun I looked online and apparently on June 14, 1992 there was a sighting of a bunch of UFOs by independent observers but nothing whatsoever of the significance that was reported in the popular battle of Los Angeles that supposedly took place many decades ago.

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  5. I just started watching it on netflix and was like is this comedy or a mokumantairy but it's suposed to be taking seriously right? I mean common the typical 20 min 4 commercial breaks in a show repeating the same thing. How dod thry made this up

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  6. I just started watching it on netflix and was like is this comedy or a mokumantairy but it's suposed to be taking seriously right? I mean common the typical 20 min 4 commercial breaks in a show repeating the same thing. How dod thry made this up

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  7. ancient Aliens should be required viewing if you're a masochist..

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  8. Ya seems like they repeat them self's and use it in different ways but one of the seasons kinda hit home for me . I was laying in my bed sleeping until something woke me up I couldn't move at all and was freaked out felt like I was paralyzed I didn't see anything that I remember anyway the only thing I could move was my eyes but I remember only looking at the ceiling and being scared as shit but as quickly as it happened it was over. That's all I remember about that time but I don't know if it was the same night or the next night I woke up again but this time I could move and I saw a bright white light just an arm reach in front of my face I freaked out and quickly set up backed up against the wall and screamed what the fuck and I don't remember what happened after that.

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  9. At last, someone watches this laughing as much as I do.... Absolutely brilliantly shit...

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  10. I love this show, its moronically funny.....

    Every single episode has a script containing:

    TERRIFYING
    CHILLING
    INVASION
    ABDUCTION


    Ive been laughing at this for weeks now, and I cannot get enough.

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  11. I love this show nothing wrong with being a believer. Highly recommend this show, but use common sense when you watch, if its to good to be true its probably not true but totally ok to watch and be hopeful! peace earthlings.

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