Wednesday, January 21, 2015

My First Advice Column: Dear Drenched & Cold

Announcing "Dear One Hot Mess," a new advice column feature on my blog. Feel free to submit your questions to "Dear One Hot Mess," and I'll be more than happy to offer my invaluable input. Here's the first installment of what I hope will become a recurring feature:

Dear One Hot Mess:

I’m in an abusive and dysfunctional relationship. It’s not with an intimate partner, though. It’s with the town I live in. A year is supposed to have four seasons. At least I think that's still the case with most places? But this year, my town seems to have only one season: monsoon season.

When we first met, we used to take long walks together on the sunny beach and go on fun ski and skating trips. We still do sometimes, but it’s not the same. See, it’s been 45 degrees, blowing 50 mph, and raining in sheets for months and months and months and months on end now. In fact, I can’t say I even remember the last time rain was NOT cascading down from the dismal, bleak, cold, gray, and unforgiving sky. It's like being trapped in a Kafka novel, or on the set of the 1995 movie "Seven" starring Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman.

My town has always been a bit of a

temperamental asshole, but lately the bad times are starting to outweigh the good, and I think the stress of global warming is starting to take its toll for real. I’m beginning to wonder if I need to break up with my town once and for all?

                         Sincerely,

                         Drenched & Cold


Dear Drenched & Cold:

I don’t advocate staying in an abusive and dysfunctional relationship, but consider this: a lot of other towns might have quote unquote "good" weather, but the people are probably way less rad, and are likely getting skin cancer anyway. The sun isn't all it's cracked up to be, what with today's compromised ozone layer and all. Also, when the sun is out or the snow is falling in your town, there’s no place like it on earth.

Look at your iPhone. See? It says it might snow in your town on Monday. Never mind that it also says the high will be 39 degrees, a temperature that is physically inconsistent with the possibility of snow. Just ignore that part, because maybe that part is wrong.

I’m sure soon enough the sun will come out and/or snow will fall from the sky instead of buckets upon buckets upon buckets upon buckets (sorry, did I say buckets yet?) of torrential rain that would compel you to cry but for fear of adding yet more water to the atmosphere. You should also accept your town as is. It’s a rain forest, and you knew that when you moved there. So why do you expect it to change for you now?

Plus, you can’t escape global warming. You might not be underwater in rain somewhere else, but you’ll be underwater some other way. Just look at Miami. You’ll also have box stores and traffic and road rage to contend with, and that’s not a great trade-off either.

So, my advice is to put on your big girl Hellys, jump in a puddle, and use this as an opportunity to improve your crawl stroke. I would tell you to sing “The Sun’ll Come Out, Tomorrow” from the musical Annie, but that would just be deluding yourself, and I'm not in the business of deluding my readers. 


I'm strictly in the business of deluding myself.
                      
                         Sincerely,

                         One Hot Mess





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