Saturday, January 31, 2015

Just Speculating ...

While we're on the subject of medieval-style torture devices for women (see prior post titled, "Breast Pump Follies"), let's talk about the speculum.

People often say America would be a different place if women were in charge, or at least if men had lady-parts.

Well, maybe.

I suppose one way it would be different is that nursing men would get paid to stay home with their babies for a year, instead of being financially and culturally penalized and forced to stick their tits into a machine 8 weeks after giving birth just so they could feed their baby and still have a job to pay for said baby.

But hey. Quit complaining. Just be glad there IS a breast pump! And that you HAVE a job! And anyway, no one told you to reproduce. C'mon. You can't have it all. So quit feeling sorry for yourselves ladies, and focus on hating and judging each other instead. There, there. That's better now.

Another thing that would be different is the speculum. There is no way a woman invented the speculum, and there is absolutely no way it would continue to exist if men had vaginas. For the men reading this post, take a good look at the picture below. Yes, that exists and is used in routine modern medicine.

I can't imagine a man standing for a lunch time, workday appointment with a speculum. If men had vaginas, many research dollars would likely go into finding a better way to inspect their health.

I don't know what the new, alternative device would look like. But I am pretty sure it would not be a set of cold, metal duck lips in the shape and color of a glock .42 handgun that is shoved into the man's vagina and then painfully cranked open as wide as possible, while numerous latex fingers lubed up with cold jelly probed, poked, and pushed their way around under a mini heat lamp.


I am pretty sure that when the first man who had that experience returned to his office feeling like he had just been clinically assaulted in the junk, he would get right on his computer and launch an immediate effort at all levels of research, development, medicine, and finance to invent an alternative mode of scrutinizing the vagina for infirmities.

But who knows? I'm just speculating.

Postscript: after I published this post, I discovered that this was the person who invented the speculum. I rest my case.