Saturday, January 17, 2015

I Love Taylor Swift Songs With a Passion That is Disturbing and Wrong

It's true. I can't help it. I don't own any of her music, of course. That would be humiliating. After all, I'm not a 12 year-old girl wearing a plaid halter top and a pair of short shorts from Forever 21 that go up to my vagina and have the word "Juicy" splashed across the butt.

You wouldn't know it though, because every single time a Taylor Swift song comes on the radio in the car, I'm all like ...

"I KNEW YOU WERE TROUBLE WHEN YOU WALKED IIIIIIIIN!!"

Then my mind will wander to some ex-boyfriend and I'll be like, "Yeah, I TOTALLY knew he was trouble. Right when that motherfucker walked IN!"

Sometimes I'll be driving along, minding my own, and all of a sudden it's ...

"AND THE HATERS GONNA HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE AND THE FAKERS GONNA FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE BABY I'M JUST GONNA SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE I SHAKE IT OFF I SHAKE IT OFF!!!"

Suddenly I'm feeling all like, "YEAH! FUCK the haters! I'm just gonna be like Taylor and do my THANG!"

I'll sort of catch myself and be embarrassed for a second, but the lure of a Taylor Swift song easily overpowers shame. Suddenly I'll find myself belting out ...

"SHE WEARS HIGH HEELS I WEAR SNEAKERS SHE'S CHEER CAPTAIN AND I'M ON THE BLEACHERS THINKIN' 'BOUT THE DAY WHEN YOU WAKE UP AND FIND THAT WHAT YOU'RE LOOKIN' FOR HAS BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIIIIIIIME!!!"

And I'm suddenly like, "Yeah! Why didn't that guy from back then realize I was so awesome? And also that other guy? And a few others too?" I mean...

"WHY CAN'T YOU SEEEEEE YOU BELONG WITH MEEEEEEE??"

And then I'll pull up to my driveway, and ask myself exactly how old do I think I am. And I will kill the engine. But I am not getting out of that fucking car until this song is over.


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