Friday, January 30, 2015

I Got 99 Problems, But The Super Bowl Ain't One

I know it's highly un-American, but I have a profound indifference toward The Super Bowl; an indifference bordering on antipathy, in fact. Here's a window into my usual thought process on Super Bowl Sunday:

 ... I don't understand this game. It's so boring. 

 ... Why is the whole country obsessed with this game?

 ... God, I feel so bad for these athletes. I know they're millionaires, but they're millionaires with permanent brain damage!

... I wonder what's going to become of them when they retire. They will probably open a used car dealership and commit suicide from depression. That or become a broadcaster on ESPN, if their brains still work ...

... Isn't Super Bowl Sunday the #1 day for domestic violence in the country? Is that because football promotes violence and gambling and men get angry and beat on their wives and girlfriends? Why is no one talking about that? God, that is SO fucked up!

... God, the only thing I'm looking forward to here is Buffalo Wings and chips and guac and even that stuff is gross and will give me stomach issues tomorrow.

... Oh My God ... wait ... is that Paul McCartney? He looks like a leatherback sea turtle without its shell!

... Oh My God ... wait ... is that Britney Spears? She looks like a washed-up Vegas stripper!

... Oh My God ... wait ... is that Beyonce? Where are her pants?

...Oh My God ... wait ... is that someone's nipple?

... I wonder how much these pyrotechnics cost. Probably enough to feed a small village in Nigeria for a year.

... I don't understand this game. It's SO FUCKING BORING!!

... This game totally glorifies violence and stupidity. I hate it.

... Wait a minute ... what if Isaac wants to play football? Will I be the meanest mom ever if I don't let him?

... Why does everyone treat Super Bowl Sunday like some sort of holy holiday?

... Why is everyone excited about a bunch of TV advertisements?

... Wait, that was IT? Wait ... was I supposed to be excited about that ad for a truck? Why is everyone talking about an ad for a truck?

... God, I am so confused by this entire thing.

... Should I eat more chips and guac? Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes ...

... Oh My God, I totally need another Buffalo wing in blue cheese dipping sauce. Should I eat another one? No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes ...

... How did everyone in America get so fat?

... Is this like a holiday just to watch TV and celebrate barbarism?

... Why does everyone think this is fun?

... God, I am so fucking bored.

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