Of all the emotions I've been at war with during my life, envy is at the front of the battlefield. Looks. Brains. Money. Success. Character. Talent. Inner Peace.
The list of things and qualities, both tangible and intangible, that I have envied in others are too numerous and varied to count.
And nothing brings that ugly, green-eyed beast out of its cave like my college alumni magazine. I don't even subscribe to it. It just COMES. Like, just to fuck with me.
My thought process when I retrieve it from the mailbox and open it up is always the same, and it always goes EXACTLY the same way:
... Oh My God ... That woman graduated five years after me and is doing pediatric heart surgery with chopsticks on refugees in Laos. What the FUCK?!
... Oh My God ... That woman is an Olympic Athlete who just won the world record in shot put ...
... Oh My God ... I think I smoked a joint with that kid in his sophomore dorm room ... now he is the solicitor general of MISSISSIPPI?!
... Oh My God ... THAT girl won an Oscar? I didn't even know she went to this fucking school!
... Holy Shit ... That asshole just discovered a new innovative treatment for pancreatitis?
... Wait, WHAT? That dude has his own gallery opening at The Whitney?
... Wow ... Just. Wow.
... Fuck my life. I am never going to amount to anything. I will never be in this stupid fucking magazine.
... Oh My God ... I hate this magazine and everyone in it. But I hate how it makes me feel even more.
... [Turning to the obituaries]: Oh that's so sad...that person died so young. I wonder if they had kids. Oh look. They did. Oh My God, that is so tragic!
... Why doesn't it say how they died? It just deepens the mystery. Maybe it was suicide?
... At least if they're dead they can't be mo' better than me anymore ...
... Wow. I am literally the worst person on earth ...
... I deserve to live even less than I deserve to be in this stupid ass alumni magazine ...
... Should I eat some fudge now? Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes ...
Then I throw the magazine in the recycling. And I do it all over again a month later.