Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Thanks for Inviting Me!

Hi! Thanks SO much for inviting me to stay at your house for the weekend!

A few little questions first, though: Do you have a cat, dog, rabbit, guinea pig, or anything else with fur? Yes? Why? Uh oh. Well . . . see . . . how do I say this ... well . . . that means I can't be inside your house for more than ten minutes or I'll basically stop breathing. It's actually not just the fur itself. It's also the dried-up spit ON the fur! Who knew? I fucking love science! 

Also: have you heard of dust mites? No? Weeeeell . . . they're like these little itty bitty microscopic bugs that live on every particle of dust no matter how clean your house is. They are pretty cool looking. See? I even found a picture of one. Anyyyyywayyyy, it might help if you washed and vacuumed every surface in your house. But I don't want to impose and make you get your whole house professionally steam-cleaned, specifically every single fabric surface. Because that costs a lot of money and usually doesn't work anyway. That's why I say it "might" help.

Oh, you're so sweet! But seriously, you don't need to keep saying "bless you." You can dispense with that formality. 'Cause I'll be sneezing a lot. Does this happen to me everyday? Oh yes. Definitely! Yes, I take medicine for that, all day and night. Like, way more than the recommended dose. I actually can't believe my liver still works. No, the medicines don't work. Yes, really. What exactly am I allergic to? So glad you asked! No one's ever asked me that before and I've had the answer on the tip of my tongue all these years, and have been dying to explain it. Does it grow or live? Is it microscopic? Does it touch my skin? Yes? Well then I'm allergic to it. Oh and here's the kicker: new things are added and deleted all the time. It's like my immune system is a biological version of Microsoft Word track changes. It keeps things interesting though, because you never know what's gonna happen next! Wouldn't trade it for the world, seriously.

Anyyyhoooo, whatever it is, it makes me sneeze, gives me hives or blisters, makes my eyes water and swell up into two little balloons, and causes my throat to slowly constrict until I start to wheeze and panic and reach for my inhaler. Yes, I've gotten shots. Yes, I have an epi pen. (It's super fun to jam an epi-pen into your thigh, by the way. Remember when you waited tables back in college? Well, the adrenaline rush of an epi-pen is JUST like that feeling you get right before you're about to drop a huge tray of dishes during the dinner rush, except it lasts a little longer). Yes, I've been to an allergist (or five). Yes, I've tried acupuncture and yoga and elimination diets and essential oils from Tibet. They are all completely awesome. Except for the one teensy tiny problem that they work approximately zero percent of the time.

Oh. I almost forgot. Are there down feathers anywhere on or near the bed I'll be sleeping in? Hmm. Uh-oh. Ok. Well  . . . you'll need to take all of that out. And also wash all the sheets that touched the feathers because, well, hahaha,  you've gotta see it to believe it, but those feathers sure make me sneeze! And also: if I could just ask you to please encase the mattress and pillowcases in these special plastic sheaths that feel like you're sleeping on a diaper? You can find them at a medical supply store. That helps too.

Groceries? Let's see. Well, I haven't really eaten gluten or dairy since 2009, although I have no idea if that's even helping. I basically just desperately experiment with my diet to see if I can get my skin to stop cracking off my body and breaking out in blistering rashes all the time. For the past few years, I've been pretending that not eating wheat and dairy is making a difference. So far the placebo effect is totally working! Thanks SO much for supporting my delusion. I also generally stay away from shellfish because like every third time I eat it my whole body explodes. Everything else is totally fine.

Oh no thanks, I don't need a tissue. I'll take a paper towel though. Thanks again!

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