Thursday, December 25, 2014

Dispatch from the Trenches

Trying to get four kids under the age of 8 to fall asleep at the same time is like trying to get some dude who's just sleeping with you to be your boyfriend. The desperate cajoling, manipulating, and head games required to achieve this basic function of human physiology is shocking and unparalleled.

This is what I am discovering, anyway, while visiting my college roommate in Boston at this very minute. All we want is for our collective offspring to pass the fuck out so we can eat our Jumbo Blow Pops and watch "This is 40."

But our kids have other plans. One was displeased with his position in the mattress arrangements. The second one wanted water five different times. The third wanted the light to be a different level of dim. The fourth wanted to hear an absolutely excruciating book about the Mexican monarch butterfly migration.

Really kids: Is it too much to ask for the women that gave you life and who see each other once a year for six hours and who anticipate and meet your every need 24/7 to be able to eat candy out of your sight and watch a stupid movie before we both fall asleep ourselves?

As I write this, I am finding that the answer, apparently, is yes. Oh shit...the final sneak out is underway...please, please, please don't wake up...

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