Saturday, December 27, 2014

As it Turns Out, Humanity is Even More Reprehensible Than PreviouslyBelieved!

While visiting friends near Boston this weekend, I was alerted to a news item that had somehow fallen through the cracks of my online research into the origins of the North Korean dictatorship and the status of Keisha's lawsuit against her record label.

My friends told me it was true, but I didn't believe it. So I had to do an independent investigation. Sure enough, I easily confirmed the veracity of this story in several locations, including in a piece from the Today Show's muck-raking expose, an excerpt of which is reprinted here:

It's made headlines recently. We all know how frustrating it is, waiting in those long lines at Disney. But now some families are cheating the system. They're hiring disabled tour guides so they can cut right to the front. We went undercover and caught it all on tape. The rides, the characters: Disneyland is "the happiest place on earth" -- except if you're waiting in those long lines, you and your kids, waiting hours in the heat. So how did one family get to skip past everyone? They did it ride after ride after ride, escorted to the front every time. It's the outrageous business few even know about: families bypassing the lines by hiring disabled tour guides with special passes. At most theme parks like Disney, they have great policies: The disabled get speedy access to rides. But now healthy families are abusing the system, paying disabled guides to get them in with up to five guests.

This is proof-positive that, in fact, humanity is even more reprehensible than previously believed. There are so many things wrong about this, I don't even know where to begin. Actually, I do. Let's start with Disney World/Land. 

I realize a lot of people love Disney World/Land, but I'm not one of them. Have I been there? No. Do I plan to go there? No. Did I go there as a child? No. Have I survived to be a normal, productive adult member of society? Also, no. 

However, my in-laws live in California and have jumped on the Disney grenade on my behalf, so I don't believe I'm risking the happiness and normalcy of my kids' childhoods too egregiously. The crowds, the heat, the commercialism, and now this.

The level of sociopathy required to recruit and hire a disabled person to escort you to the front of a line at Disney World/Land is basically unfathomable. You have to be like, a really, really, really terrible person to do this and be able to put on your socks and underwear the next morning. 

But here is the most horrifying part of all: There were enough people doing this that it became an actual problem for Disney, meaning that there is a critical mass of sociopaths engaging in this practice. In short, this is a story that makes me want to go out and buy one of those little cyanide capsules that astronauts allegedly carry in the event of an irredeemable emergency in outer space. You know, just in case something happens to make you realize that there really, truly is absolutely zero hope for humanity.

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