Friday, December 19, 2014

An Entirely New Flying Experience

Not to belabor the flying and airline theme, but this is what Alaska Airlines promised in its new promotion, "Alaska Beyond." I don't need to tell you that this promise was somewhat "beyond" hyperbole.

Granted, they have some new planes in their fleet that are pretty nice. You can plug in your phone or lap top on board. And you can buy some food that is not 100% nauseating. Only like maybe, 50%. As the comedian Louie C.K. has observed, though, it's silly to complain about things like broken wifi, considering that you are in an aluminum can flying 500 miles an hour across the country in under five hours. Which is pretty amazing in and of itself. So that's a given.

That said, for Alaska Airlines to proclaim that they are about to deliver "an entirely new" flying experience is a bit of a stretch, I think. After all, an "entirely new" flying experience would include the following, at a minimum:

--Not having the person next to you pour over into your seat and snore with their mouth open while drooling on your shoulder.

--Not thinking the last 20 minutes of the flight are also going to be the last 20 minutes of your life.

--Not being herded like cattle to the point where you wish you could actually shoot yourself in the forehead with that cattle prod thing from No Country for Old Men.
--Not having to spend $6 for a plastic cup full of shitty wine.

--Getting to your destination within five hours of the scheduled arrival time.

Now THAT would be an "entirely new" flying experience on Alaska Airlines, my friends!

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