Wednesday, December 24, 2014

"A Visit from St. Neuroses": A Merry Christmas Poem from One Hot Mess

There are a million parodies of this poem, "A Visit from St. Nicholas," by Clement Clark Moore. Since it's Christmas Eve, I thought it only appropriate that One Hot Mess have her own:

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through my mind
The hamsters were running, as they oft are inclined;
Benadryl was consumed by the handful with care,

In hopes that unconsciousness soon would be there;
My children were nestled all snug in their beds; 
While scenes of calamity danced in my head; 
My husband in slumber, and I bolt upright,
Tried to pass the fuck out, reading Shakespeare's Twelfth Night.
When up in my brain there arose such a clatter,
I did not need to look to see what was the matter.
Away to neuroses I flew like a flash,
Opened Pandora's Box like a raccoon does trash:
The lump on the breast of a friend diagnosed
Ceded to GMOs, hormones, and gluten-free toast
When what to my wandering mind did appear
But a personal slight and belated pap smear
With a familiar old driver so strong and persistent
I knew that my triumph would be nonexistent.
More rapid than wifi, neuroses they came
And they whistled, and shouted, and called out their names:
"Now, assholes! now, douche bags! now bigots and trolls!
On, collapsing bee colonies! on, cancerous moles! on, so-and-so-hates me
For no reason at all! To the brief with a typo! to the car seat recalled!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!
As registered sex offenders, living nearby,
And a loan from the bank that was promptly denied;
So along with neuroses I could not avoid
A sleigh full of fears, packed by one Sigmund Freud
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
That I'd just failed in court on my burden of proof.
As I buried my head, and was tossing around
Down the chimney more anxieties came with a bound
They were dressed all in black, from beginning to end
And their clothes were too slutty to give to a friend
A bundle of fears they had flung on their back,
And they looked like my nightmares arranged in a stack:
Kids with pertussis, or hit by a car;
Catching Ebola from places afar;
College tuition I cannot afford;
A battle of wills on the local school board!
A social faux pas and those five extra pounds,
Flood waters and droughts and fracking the ground!
With a frightening scowl and a sly little sneer
My neuroses made sure I had plenty to fear.
No refill of Prozac, a twist of the head
Soon gave me to know I had plenty to dread;
They spoke not a word, but went straight to their work,
Holding sleep hostage like a mad postal clerk
And wrapping their tentacles 'round in my mind
And giving a nod, up the chimney they climbed
And they sprang to their sleigh, to their team gave a whistle
Oops, they almost left ISIS and nuclear missiles!
But I heard them exclaim, as they drove out of sight--
"You sure are one hot mess, good luck sleeping tonight!

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