Friday, November 21, 2014

"Leavin' AK"

Only nineteen days before Christmas
I fire up the Mac, and I get down to business
AK in December be long and burly
AK Airlines got us all by the short and curlies.

We got companion fares in the decent amounts
But there ain’t JACK SHIT in my mileage accounts
Two kids! Two adults! Round trip! Mad baggage!
They be eatin’ up my ducats like a bear eats SKUNK CABBAGE.

I ain’t triflin' with the Christmas stampede
But I’m feelin’ more pressure than a steak SOUS VIDE.
This airline’s profit margin is revolutionary
I’m droppin’ 5 large on an east coast itinerary!

Leavin’ AK
Bend down, assume the position!
Mad hours, mad loot!
PEACE, college tuition!

Drag ass outta bed at the breaka day
Just to get my titties felt by T.S.A.
And the shorties actin’ up and I’m yellin’
DON’T PLAY!
‘Cuz a twelve-hour flight ain’t no GAME O’ CROQUET!

Choke-up, choke-up, time to go through security
I’m screamin’ at my kids to show some goddamn maturity
They be straight trippin’ ‘cuz this hour ain’t NICE
And they up on my iPad like WHITE ON RICE.

No gold! No platinum! No MVP!
So we rock the ghetto 27 A, B and C.
All these mothah fuckahs be on the bums rush
Just to cram into a seat where you hear the john flush.

Leavin’ AK
Bend down, assume the position!
Mad hours, mad loot!
PEACE, college tuition!

Doors closing. Tray up. Switch to airplane mode.
Yo I’m tunin’ out this lecture like it be the TAX CODE.
Pass out! Read a book! Watch ANOTHER cartoon!
Son, I’m in over my head like Charlie Sheen in PLATOON!

Cart rolls.
SNACK MA'AM?
Yo these kids are DEMONIC.
Pirate booty SNACK PACK and a VODKA TONIC!
Use your inside voice or you be swimmin’ with the fishes!
‘Cause you talkin’ more smack than James Joyce in “ULYSSES.”

Turbulence kickin’
Now this plane feels uneven
And I’m prayin’ to a God that I don’t even believe in.
Kids be quiet! Yo, my rage is notorious
I'm losin' my shit like I was OSCAR PISTORIUS!

Leavin’ AK
Bend down, assume the position!
Mad hours, mad loot!
PEACE, college tuition!

Hit the ground at SEA/TAC in the L-48
Scope out where we landed
Yo, FUCK the N-Gates!
Move up move up
Yo we can’t be late
Pickin’ up speed like a cop on the interstate
No time to play and Qdoba can WAIT.
'Cuz we can’t get re-booked at no discount rate!

No, we ain’t “almost there”
This ain’t HALF the battle
You got SCHOOLED in geography
We still in SEATTLE.

Leavin’ AK
Bend down, assume the position!
Mad hours, mad loot!
PEACE, college tuition!



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