Hi! I'm calling on behalf of someone. I can't remember who because it's all sort of blending together now. But did you know that today is Election Day? Oh you DID? Well let me tell you anyway: Guess what?! It's Election Day! Just in case you forgot. And also just in case you haven't made up your mind yet. 'Cause I just know this ONE last quick convo will do it.
Oh, what's that? You say you already heard from me? Or someone just like me? And that you've been mailed enough paper to burn down a small national forest wilderness preserve? And also that someone came to the actual door of your physical house at least three times last week while you were in your pajamas and eating dinner and trying to keep your children from escaping into the cold, dark night only to be mauled by a ravenous bear trying to fatten up before hibernation?
Well, OK then. Thanks so much for taking my call. It will just take literally ONE more minute of your time for me to explain to you how if you don't vote for whoever that person is whose name escapes me now, the entire state AND country AND galaxy AND possibly the universe, actually, will implode and all of your rights and life as you know it will cease to exist.
Oh you don't care if you're obliterated into a teensy, weensy, microcsopic particle of cosmic dust because you failed to do what I'm telling you to? Alright. Well I'm just glad that people like me are here to protect the democratic process from dangerous, apathetic people like you.