Monday, November 3, 2014

Angel in a Centerfold

At brunch this morning, a friend and I somehow got talking about what we would do when our toddler/pre-schooler sons became teenagers and, assuming they are heterosexual, tried to put posters of airbrushed pin-up girls on their bedroom walls.

My friend said she wouldn't object to a Mia Hamm or Lindsey Vonn-type poster, because at least these women were athletes as opposed to objects existing solely to fulfill the masturbatory fantasies of 13-19 year old boys.

But I challenged that idea: Why stop there? I mean, as long as we're pre-approving our sons' future masturbation material on feminist grounds, let's get really serious and impose a rule that only the most accomplished and powerful women may grace the walls of our homes and the future wet dreams of our sons. Here's the list we came up with:

1. Marie Curie
2. Harriet Tubman
3. Madeline Albright
4. Margaret Thatcher
5. Benazir Bhutto
6. Golda Meir
7. Maya Angelou
8. Mother Theresa
9. Indira Gandhi
10. Sheryl Sandberg

What? You say our boys will end up in therapy if we force them to masturbate to real women instead of Baywatch bomb shells? C'mon...can't you just see Marie Curie in a centerfold? What's embarrassing about your mother policing your teenage fap times in this manner? What? You don't think Harriet Tubman's Underground Railroad is jizz-worthy? Marie Curie and her Nobel Prize don't stand up (so to speak) to Pamela Anderson's DD plastic titties?

Well, you've got a long way to go then, partner. Because I'm telling you: this is the next movement in progressive, feminist parenting of boys. You heard it here first, people: Marie Curie in a centerfold.

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