Monday, November 24, 2014

"You a First World Motha, Motha FUCKAH."

Aight.
Word up, moms
Ima’ drop some knowledge
The shit they didn’t teach you up at Amherst College
If your shortie’s gonna be a U.S. President
Then you needsta pay attention ONE HUNDRED percent:
From the second you piss on a pregnancy test
Listen to me and ignore ALL the rest
Ima’ lay it out straight! Ima’ lay it out RIGHT.
The shit you need to do to make your kid AIR TIGHT:

Step ONE: Get yo’self some neonatal VITES.
Fish oil, Omega 3s--but sushi gets the RED LIGHT.
Rock that Baby Mozart on your bump, yo
Otherwise your kid be a CHUMP, yo
Your fetus needsta recognize the VIOLIN.
Otherwise all his friends will make FUN OF HIM.

Step TWO: Birth plan! Put that shit ON BLAST.
Don’t let no corporate doctahs make you feel harassed.
No drugs! No meds! No hospital!
You GOTSTA give birth like an animal!
Squat bitch! Shoot that baby straight out yo’ vagina!
Like you a peasant on a rice farm in rural CHINA!
You end up with a C-section?
Yo that’s WACK.
Natch birth all the way or you NEVAH bounce back!

Yo motha fuckah, you in the First World Now!
I’m here to tell you WHAT to do and HOW.
If you want your kid to be rich and famous
Do what I say, you fuckin’ IGNORAMUS.

Step THREE: Get your baby in some baby GROUPS.
Baby music!  Baby yoga! Even baby DANCE TROUPES!
All the other mothas be takin’ classes
Wake up! Get with the program! And put on yo’ glasses!
Can’t you see that your baby might get left behind?
So drop Benjamins for some peace of mind.
Nurse that baby til yo’ titties dry UP
Don’t put no fuckin’ formula in a CUP!
I don’t give a SHIT if it’s soy or organic!
No boobs? Your baby’s goin’ DOWN like the TITANIC.

Step FOUR: Get your kid in the right pre-SCHOOL.
If you don’t, I can’t save you, yousa fuckin’ FOOL.
No gluten! No nuts! No BPA!
No GMOs! No plastic! It’s the ONLY WAY.
You scared yet?
You should be!
Mom-petition is FIERCE
You don’t want yo’ kid to fail like FRANKLIN PIERCE!

Yo motha fuckah, you in the First World Now!
I’m here to tell you WHAT to do and HOW.
If you want your kid to be rich and famous
Do what I say, you fuckin’ IGNORAMUS.

Step FIVE: Sign ‘em up for some extra curriculars
Oh! You didn't know? 
Let me get real particular:
Soccer! Ceramics! Spanish Immersion!
Anything less is like a SICK PERVERSION.
Now, I ain’t tryin to show no disrespect
But if you don’t do this shit it’s like PARENTAL NEGLECT.

Step SIX: Keep scopin’ out the othah mothas
Schadenfreude when they ass blow up like SALLY STRUTHERS
But that ain’t gonna happen if you listen to ME!
Do the Paleo diet and the MAD PILATES.
Harvard! Stanford! Princeton! Yale!
If they don't get in they gonna end up in jail!
Turning tricks on the street like a crack ho'
But don't worry cuz I gotcha back yo
AP classes and the Kaplan prep
Do what I say! Don't make ONE misstep!

Yo motha fuckah, you in the First World Now!
I’m here to tell you WHAT to do and HOW.
If you want your kid to be rich and famous
Do what I say, you fuckin’ IGNORAMUS.

I don't wanna hear no ifs, ands, or buts!
This MY world, you a squirrel tryin' to get a NUT.

I'm out, bitchez!


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