Tuesday, October 7, 2014

On Turning 37: Something is Wrong With This Picture

People use that expression a lot, metaphorically speaking. In fact, just the other day, I asked Paige if someone's dad was "in the picture." I should have known better. She said no, and then described a photograph of the kid in question with her mom and baby brother. And no, the dad wasn't in the picture. Kids. Anyway, in this case, I mean it literally. Feast your eyes on the picture below. Something is wrong--and I mean very wrong--about the fact that I allowed myself to leave the house this way on any day, much less my birthday. If it's not apparent, the runway-ready ensemble you see before you consists of gray Capri leggings, brown Dansko clogs, and a slightly-different-shade-of-gray ankle-length wool socks. Left exposed is a band of blinding white skin peppered with a coarse layer of five-day old black stubble for all the world to see. This is bad, even by Alaska standards, which as everyone who lives here knows, is really saying a lot. Plus, there is something extra depressing about donning this attire on your 37th birthday.

October 8 is my favorite day of the year, because it means there are 364 days until my next birthday. And when you look at my increasingly calamitous fashion choices, it's easy to see why. Nothing says "I'm phoning it in at 37" like the fashion combo pictured below. What made me look in the mirror this morning before I left the house and say, "Yup. This is OK birthday garb. You're good to go." Well, I'll tell you what. I'm one of those people who looks in the mirror on her birthday morning and just takes stock of her life and thinks about how lucky and grateful she is for all that she has and looks forward to another wonderful year considers the fact that she is kind of a terrible person on a million microscopic levels, is completely undeserving of at least 88% of the luck she's thus far been afforded in life, and just hopes the other shoe (no pun intended) doesn't drop next year in some catastrophic and permanently devastating manner. All while inspecting new wrinkles and other unwelcome signs of aging that peer back at her with taunting malice. So when you think about it, this outfit is really just an outer manifestation of my typical birthday mindset. In other words, it's perfect.

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