Tuesday, October 14, 2014

My Car is a Shit Hole on Wheels

This is the sequel to my prior post titled "My House is a Shit Hole." Because really, my car is just an extension of my house with respect to the yawning chasm of shit-factor. For many years, we were a one-car family. We managed to eke out an existence with our 2005 Subaru Forester as our one and only mobile shit hole. But it soon became clear that in order to be good and decent First World parents worthy of society's esteem, we needed to chauffeur our children not only to school, but to soccer, swimming, Girl Scouts, jump rope club, trail running club, skiing, ice skating, fine arts camp, ukelele camp, play dates, birthday parties, and fuck knows what else. The end result was that we needed a second mobile shit hole, even to traverse the less than 60 miles of pavement that exist in Juneau. 

So we got a used 2005 Honda Pilot with even more square footage to shit up than our Subaru has. This new acquisition triggered what I might call a "shit drift." Shit began to drift away from the Subaru and into the Honda, and away from our home and into the Honda and the Subaru, and back into our house again from each of these vehicles. Except in what would appear to be a flagrant breach of the laws of physics, the net loss of shit in our lives was absolute zero! Indeed, it appeared that our home and each of our cars had somehow yielded a net gain of shit. I think even Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking would be stumped by this phenomenon. 

In case you don't believe me, I've attached a photo for proof. Please understand that this is after a recent cleaning. Not before. So while water bottles, permission slips, and a doll's high chair tray (among other things) remain, removed from the set of "Hoarders Junior" were: four damp crackers; a wet sock; an opened (and licked) lollipop with hair stuck to it; three dolls; four toy cars; miscellaneous pieces of paper; used dental floss; a few bouncy balls; and a half-eaten granola bar. If it's true what they say, and cleanliness is next to Godliness, I'm officially on the highway to hell.




1 comment:

  1. we recently bought a new to us car and it's pretty amazing because I straight UP abandoned my suburban and ALL of the crap in it--I can't face cleaning it out so it's parked in the driveway full of junk silently moldering away...

    ReplyDelete