Saturday, October 25, 2014

Bush League

Recently the actress and all-around annoying trend-setter Gwenyth Paltrow announced that the "natural look" was back in style for ladies' nether parts. Needless to say, this was good news for yours truly. (See prior post titled: "Hair Apparent"). Per Gwenyth, gone are the days of the $80 Brazillian, the landing strip, and worst of all--the "vajazzle," which somehow involves putting rhinestones on your vajayjay. 

Now, before I go any further, let me address the skeptics who would question the propriety of this as a blog topic. To them I would say this: Men talk about their junk non-stop and no one bats an eye, right? It's time to subvert the dominant paradigm, bring the bush out from the underground, and stop pretending it doesn't exist. So consider this post a small, sacrificial step toward social progress. 

Anyway, a parent-friend recently brought to my attention the awkward issue of parental nudity in front of kids. Everyone has a different philosophy on this. When I was little, a psychoanalyst my mom knew told her I'd be traumatized for life if I ever saw my father naked, so thankfully I never did. However, I'd be lying if I said I took the same psychological precautions with Isaac and Paige. 

The fascination these kids have with the female anatomy is pretty fascinating in and of itself, and all I can say is they're lucky they got me for a mom. About this time last year, a different costume arrived in the mail for Paige: Princess Leia from "Star Wars." It came with a brown hairnet that I immediately dropped in the bathroom wastebasket, only for then three-year old Isaac to point at it and announce loudly: "THAT'S A LOT OF HAIR FROM MOM'S VAGINA!" This prompted Paige to ask with vaguely horrified curiosity: "Mom, when I grow up am I gonna have a beard on my vagina?" Fortunately, Paige doesn't seem to have inherited her mother's coloring or hirsute genes. So I assured her that while she would most certainly get hair down there at some point, if she was lucky it wouldn't blend from head to toe with the hair on her legs and armpits to make what could easily be mistaken for a gorilla costume. 

And if by some chance it did, at least that would keep her off the stripper pole. Because at a certain point, the money a hairy stripper has to spend on personal grooming brings diminishing financial returns. More good news, and something else to be thankful for!

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