Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Being “Rebound Girl” for This Modest Mouse Is #LifeGoals

Like the oil barons, loggers, and mining prospectors of yore, I came to Southeast Alaska to tap a rich vein of 24 carat gold. But this motherlode isn’t in the hills away up north of Berner’s Bay. No, it is found deep in the verdant valleys of the Juneau Craigslist personal ads. 

Dragging anonymous, inadvertently unselfaware douchebags online is my business, and business is good. 


Now, let me just state the obvious: I would never shame this man if I knew (or even suspected) who he was, so my critique of his personal ad should be viewed simply as a favor.

A favor from someone with a vagina to someone looking for a vagina, in order to help the latter rebound hard into a half-order of tuna tacos like a gynecologist at a trampoline park made entirely of pussy.

So let’s roll up our sleeves and dig in, shall we?

First of all, you’re looking for “fit, smart, and witty” and you yourself (shockingly) are also “fit, smart, and witty.” What happened to opposites attract? Maybe obsese, dumb, and humorless would be an easier sell?

In any case, the first rule of compelling writing is “show don’t tell.” So perhaps instead of declaring your fitness, wit, and intelligence you could somehow demonstrate at least the last two qualities by not advertising for rebound poon on Craigslist. 

See, Craigslist in 2017 is where you go to find BDSM bottoms, oboe lessons, Russian mail-order brides, and used pleather recliners. Not REI-catalogue quality tail in wraparound sunglasses, powder skis, and two cute braids, knowm sayin?

Also, are you SURE you “have no enemies?” If you’re Juneau famous, as you’ve said, then you likely have some enemies. 

Take it from one medium-sized goldfish in a shallow muddy koi pond to another: to know you is to love you, and to not know you is to call you a reprehensible cunt online and probably behind your back as well. 

So before you declare yourself both enemy-free AND “fairly well-connected,” it might behoove you to learn that those two concepts are mutually exclusive, at least in Juneau.

Getting to the specifics, what exactly is the “usual SE-AK stuff?” Surely boating, hiking, hunting, and fishing come to mind. 

But also going to a store that’s supposed to be open and finding it inexplicably closed for no reason, ordering a $12 salad made of Costco spinach that is not available despite appearing on a restaurant’s menu, waking up to find your ferry sailing canceled and your ass parked in Petersburg for an extra week with no spare underpants, and wiping out on icy Main Street in downtown Juneau in the wrong pair of Dansko clogs that you wore home from a potluck last night also fit the bill, no?

Is that the stuff you mean? If so, it might be smart and witty of you to say so.

We’re also going to need some more details on the whole “my wife slept with another man and called me while she was doing it” piece of the narrative. This is where things get interesting, and you should exploit the pain of being cuckolded for a good story arc here.

Like, did she literally put you on speaker WHILE she was doing “IT?!” If so, that is a pretty sick burn and I almost want to call up your ex-wife myself and high-five her because that is some expert-level trolling. 

I’m not sure what if anything you could have done to deserve a phone call mid-bone with your boo’s side-piece. 

I’m not suggesting it’s your fault, mind you. I’m also not NOT suggesting it’s not your fault, if that makes sense. Especially given your brutal honesty, which in this context is not actually the best policy.

Now I don’t claim to speak for all intellectual friendly outdoors “girls” when I say this to a 45 year-old man—allegedly with his shit together—who might therefore be better suited to a grownass woman and not a “girl.”

But I’m gonna be straight with you, my father-figure/preacher-teacher: life isn’t a George Michael video, and most independent, educated professional women would PROBABLY prefer not to know that the only reason you want in their size S Patagonia yoga pants is because your ruthless level-10 crazy ex-wife made you listen to her humping out the reverse cowgirl on some other dudebro.

“At least that’s my plan.” Cool plan, bro! 

How about a new plan: Hit control/alt/delete and reboot, because this plan is not about to get you laid. 

I want to make that very clear.

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Acceptably Pious Starbucks Cups?

Ah! ‘‘Tis the season for self righteousness, when the holiest among us crow about THE GAY AGENDA soiling their venti pumpkin spice macchiato with whip. Per the Advocate:

There are maybe lesbian hands on a coffee cup you guys! So I came up with some Starbucks cups that will make everyone happy:

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Predicted Trump Tweets on Death of Charles Manson

“Melania and I send our thoughts and prayers to the Manson Family tonight for their devastating loss.”

“America lost a true hero tonight. No one had bigger ratings than @theRealCharlesManson.”

“Charles Manson was a terrific, amazing guy. Just terrific. Never shoplifted a thing, by the way.”

“I have decided to use my power of presidential pardon and pardon Charles Manson, a man who was treated very unfairly by our joke of a court system!”

“Crooked Hillary is so busy hiding her Uranium emails and being the biggest loser of all time that she didn’t even acknowledge the untimely death of Charles Manson, a Great American.”

“Charles Manson might have murdered a pregnant woman in cold blood but I promise you he would not have kneeled for our great national anthem!”

“Why won’t failing CNN cover the BIGLY stock market gains in the wake of President Trump’s endorsement of Manson for Senate?”

“I have recently decided to replace shamefully removed statues of our Great Civil War Heros with a monument to Charles Manson.”

“Despite all the unfair press coverage, Charles Manson covfefe”

Saturday, November 18, 2017

A Thought Experiment On Authoritarianism

I got into a short and civil discussion with a Breitbart writer (yes, BREITBART) on Twitter last night, and here's how the thread went:

Granted, I was a teensy bit trashed when I wrote this tweet (it was Friday night, after all, and I didn't have shit to do), but it got me thinking about where our country is now in terms of the overall energy, and why that is.

Think about this for a second. 

We are in the midst of an essential and long overdue social justice movement that requires anger and passion as a catalyst for momentum. This is separate and apart, however, from the prevailing ENERGY in the country right now, which is just straight up mean and nasty.

The President sets the tone for our country, and President Trump's tone is bullying, nasty, mean, and divisive. He makes us turn on each other. He makes us hate each other. He WANTS it. And he does it while leaving the government understaffed, trampling all over the constitution, and selling the public on con job "reforms" like walls and taxes.

It's all a bunch of bullshit.

The only people who get out of this alive (MAYBE) are Trump's friends and family. He doesn't give a shit about this country or the people he's supposed to be "leading." He cares about "ratings," and outrage sells. He'll go down swinging, leaving the nation in shambles just like his bankrupt resorts and casinos. Everything he touches turns to shit, and the United States government is no exception.

Divide and conquer is right out of the authoritarian playbook. A population that is cannibalizing itself is a lot easier to manipulate and manage. So I have come up with a few concrete things that I will do to combat this:

1. Direct action/writing: Continue to focus in concrete, meaningful, affirmative (as opposed to defensive) ways on the issues I care about: gender equality, racial equality, ending white supremacy, ending rape and sexual assault, ending income equality, and protecting our constitutional democracy from a criminal despot. I do this by staying involved in my local community on these issues, contacting my representatives in Congress relentlessly, trying to write regularly with passion and precision about social justice issues and constitutional norms, and sharing the writing of like-minded people on these subjects.

2. Avoiding social media fights and lost causes: Not allow myself to be baited into arguments on social media, as they are a distraction from actual solutions and an ENORMOUS waste of time. After an hour of yelling back at forth at someone on Twitter or Facebook you have nothing to show for your time but frustration and upset. That time can be spent much more productively on #1 above.

3. Avoiding Trump voter-hating: Not waste energy indulging in any more feelings of hostility toward Trump voters. The fact is we are all completely fucked now, and we need a way out of this mess together. Focusing on how fucked up it is that he's President, and how fucked up it is that people voted for him, and how much we should hate those people and blame them for everything just feeds the divisive beast that Trump has unleashed. He WANTS us to hate each other. He NEEDS it. His success depends on it.

4. Using my anger productively: There's a lot to be angry about right now. Like, a SHITLOAD. But I'm choosing to use #1 above to channel my anger productively and direct it at the source.

Friday, November 17, 2017

I’m Winter, and I Did Not Come to Play With You Hos: An Open Letter to Juneau

Dear Juneau,

I am Winter, and I did not come to play with you hos. I came to SLAY, bitch.

Oh, I know my game has been . . . well . . . let’s just say “inconsistent” over the past couple of seasons. Freeze, thaw, freeze, thaw, snow, snain, rainrainrainarain, snow, freeze, ice rainrainrain rain, shitty skiing, cranky Juneau.

I’m not trying to point fingers or pass the blame here, but humans have KIND of been fucking me up with unfettered carbon emissions, deregulation, and a general level of short-sighted selfish assholery that will give .001% of the world a fleet of personal yachts and make the rest of us (myself included) deader than Louis C.K.’s career post-masturbation scandal.

For now though, I’m here to tell you that it’s payback time, and payback is the only bitch badder than me. Well, me and Nicki Minaj. Bad bitches like us is hard to come by. And I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve been a little hard to come by in recent years.

WELL NOT THIS YEAR, mothafuckhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaz!!!!!

Have you seen me today?! Have. You. Seen. ME?!

I deadass dropped seven inches of snow in four hours with no signs of stopping. The wind on Douglas will rip your goddamned face off your head. You motherfuckers are going 10 miles an hour in the right lane, or driving like there’s a house on fire in your Nissan Leaf/redneck pickup truck and ending up in the ditch.

Why? because I DID NOT COME TO PLAY. And also because you are all terrible drivers for some reason.

Put on your Yaktraks, because y’all out here trippin in these streets, falling face down on ice. Ice that I put there, BECAUSE I AM WINTER IN ALASKA, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!! This ain’t no Hawaiian vacation!

Bust out your snowplows, your rock salt, your snow tires, your snow blowers, your skis, snow machines, ice skates, whatever it is you need to do, do it because every other season is CANCELED and I am UP IN THIS SHIT NOW.

Oh wut. You thought I wasn’t coming for you this year? COOL STORY, BRO!



This Is 40: A Comic

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Quotes from Famous Men in History on Sexual Assault and Harassment

"Ask not what a woman can do for your dick—ask what you can do to stop yourself from asking her that question."

--John F. Kennedy

"Four weeks and seven days ago, investigative journalism brought forth upon the internet a new concept: conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all women are created with boobs and a vagina but that doesn’t mean you can grab them without her permission, k thx bye."

--Abraham Lincoln

"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop. Except if she says stop. Then definitely stop."


"That which does not kill us makes us stronger, so maybe being outed as a pedophile, sexual predator, or basic scumbag will make Al Franken and Roy Moore Olympic athletes."

--Friedrich Nietzche

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one that didn’t involve putting a barbiturate in her martini and slinging her over my shoulder on the way out of the bar, and that has made all the difference."

--Robert Frost

"Better to remain silent and be accused of being sexual predator than to just have the balls to admit the allegations and remove all doubt."

--Maurice Switzer

"If you want something done right, do it to yourself. With your right hand."

--Charles Guillaume Etienne

"Better to have loved and lost, than to have tried to love someone who obviously didn’t want to be in the same zip code as you much less the same bedroom."

--St. Augustine

"Male comedians can’t drive out sexual predators: only female comedians can do that. Senators cannot drive out sexual predators either: only voters can do that."

--Martin Luther King Jr.

"With great power comes great responsibility."