Wednesday, February 21, 2018

And a Child Shall Lead Them: Watching Kids Tell the NRA to Go Fuck Itself is BEYOND Delectable!

Okay, so I know I threw a mini-temper tantrum, upended the metaphorical chess board, and said I was taking a blogging break. But then the NRA went ahead and made me SO FUCKING MAD--and what high school kids did to them made me SO FUCKING HAPPY--that I had to come out of temporary hiding.

Plus, the truth is that I’m a born and bred New Yorker, and we have a different sense of time. Have you heard of a New York Minute? In New York Minutes, my two day long-form blog break was practically a year, and also New Yorkers can’t shut up for more than 48 hours or we explode like an IED.

But most of all, there is a reason I returned early from fake-blog-hiatus and that reason is the need to express the unmitigated JOY I feel at watching the NR fuckin’ A and their simpering indentured servants in Congress squirm all week long under the piercing questioning of high school-aged activists, or as Alex Jones of Infowars would call them, "crisis actors." 

Like it’s hard to find words to describe how happy this makes me.

Understand that I live in Alaska and every single person I know with virtually no exception owns multiple guns. Understand that our lone congressman is the second most NRA-funded member of Congress after Paul Ryan. But also understand that every gun owner I know ALSO hates the NRA. 

Why? Let us count the ways.

It's because the NRA is not a nice "civil rights" organization. They know full well that reasonable gun regulation up to and including an assault weapons ban is constitutional and necessary to save lives. But they don’t care about human life or safety, of course. They don't even care about gun owners or the Second Amendment. Their sole mission is to prey on fear and abuse democracy to make it rain blood money for gun makers. 

Gun owners know this. EVERYONE knows this.

Like Big Tobacco before them, the NRA promotes a product that harms the public health and is trying to hide it. Profit first, public second. It’s the American way. There is a LOT of money on the line, and John Wayne LaPierre’s fear-mongering cowboy act this week reveals that fact with more clarity and more raw, naked shamelessness than ever before.

As usual after mass shootings, the post-Parkland NRA repeated the same tired ass talking points which all boil down to one thing:  


It's almost like the NRA wants kids to die so that they can ... wait for it ... sell even MORE guns and make MORE money. Wait wait wait ... it’s ALMOST like they are literally profiting from mass murder and don’t actually give two shits about the Second Amendment? Just putting that out there.

Well, it turns out that NRA gunrunner corporate thugs and their enabling conspiracy theorists and goons compounding mass murder with the cyber-bullying of child survivors and activists is not a good look.

This time is different. 

This time, the NRA is being publicly dunked on like never before by a generation with the energy and will to stop the carnage. 

Kids are going on television and dragging Senator Rubio. They are making Dana Loesch squirm in her chair like the complicit, mendacious paid shill that she is. They are giving the lie to the NRA's bullshit myth that their "five million members" will thank them to facilitate unfettered access to military-grade firearms and turn their kids' schools into a barricaded prison camp where no one succeeds but Remington.

The jig is fucking UP for the NRA. We are onto you. The KIDS are fucking onto you. We know you are greedy, venal, corporate whores to the military industrial complex and you don't give a shit about who lives or dies, including any one of your five million members whom you supposedly love so much.

You’re going down like Big Tobacco, and you’re taking all the elected officials whose balls you have in a vice grip right along with you. 

Thoughts and prayers, motherfuckers. Thoughts and prayers.

Sunday, February 18, 2018

The Alaska 360 Head Swivel Should Be an Olympic Event

How is this even a thing? That’s the question I ask myself every couple of years when I watch the Winter Olympics. 

The Summer Olympics, not so much. Swimming and running. Okay, I get that. Even parts of the Winter Olympics are familiar. Ice hockey? Sure, I've seen a few NHL fist fights on TV, with the whole jersey-over-the-head thing. Figure skating? Who could forget Tanya Harding and Blades of Glory? And Juneau is a skiers town, if not exactly a ski town.

Okay, fine. 

But curling, luge, and aerial ski jumping? How is that a thing that people get into? Like for real what is the process? 

Take aerial ski jumping. 

First, I assume you have to be wealthy, because skiing almost everywhere is expensive. Then you have to have a lot of time to practice hurtling yourself 200 feet into in the air over and over and over again. Then you also have to somehow not become paralyzed, which after basically ONE fuck up, that's exactly what you are.

By the time you get to the Olympics as an aerial ski jumper, you're almost guaranteed to win at least bronze because there are only three people left on earth who aren't broke literally or figuratively by now. 

Basically what I'm saying is that you're one of a tiny handful of people on EARTH with enough time, money, and intact vertebrae to continue doing this year after year, all for five seconds of pseudo-fame (and an adrenaline rush, I guess).

Is that actually how it goes? Probably not for everyone. Like I'm sure there's some up-by-the-bootstraps story of an unlikely Columbian aerial ski jumper who was sponsored by the Gates Foundation and won 12 gold medals and they made a Lifetime Hallmark ABC After School Special about him, but let's not kid ourselves: 

Aerial ski jumping is by and for rich ass Aryans and everyone knows it.

Here's one sport that's a bit more universal, at least if you live in Alaska, and it's sort of an all-season event. I call it the Alaska 360 Head Swivel and here's how it goes.

[Scene: Two friends in a busy coffee shop in downtown Juneau or really any other part of the state]

Friend 1: [Leans in to whisper] So did you hear about [insert name of friend/legislator/relative/divorcing couple]
Friend 2: [Eyes widen, conspiratorial whisper] NOOOOOO what happened?!
Friend 1:

Okay, sorry just checking, you know, JUNEAU.
Friend 2: Oh yeah,TOTES.

Cue the Olympic theme music, because Friend 1 has just fucking OWNED the Alaska 360 Head Swivel, which is a required element for all smack talking and tea-spilling routines in this state. If you live here long enough, it's happened to you. On an airplane, in a bar, at a coffee shop. That sinking, "Uh oh, he's right behind me, isn't he" moment.

It hasn't happened to me in a long time, and why? Because I'm the Michael Fucking Phelps of the Alaska 360 Head Swivel, that's why. 

See you in Beijing.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Vagina Wigs Are a Thing That Now Exists

And that says all you need to know about 2018. 

Vagina Wigs made their debut at New York Fashion Week courtesy of South Korean designer Kaimin. Per Post reporter Charlotte Willis a Vagina Wig is--
Also known as a merkin, as Urban Dictionary informs us. It turns out the spiked hair extensions, which look exactly like mini mohawks pointing out perfectly from the crotch, were worn by prostitutes beginning in the 1600s after shaving their pubic hair for various health and maintenance reasons.
Various. Health. And. Maintenance. Reasons. FASCINATING! I can't for the life of me imagine the true history of this trend, and I'm not really interested in researching it for fear of what it will do to the cookies on my browser and the amount of spam I receive. 

So I'm just going to make it up. 

I guess sex workers (not PROSTITUTES, Charlotte. Get with the times), must have decided that pubes were gross because . . . um . . . contagious crabs that they'd get from all their customers. But the full-on vaguely pedophiliac-creeper-esque Brazilian look was not yet on trend, nor was the "landing strip." And they didn't want to disappoint anyone, so they had to make their junk look like Pat Benatar.

I encourage you to zoom in on the picture because it's amazing. A vagina wig is basically nipple pasties, but for the vagina, and it's very hard for me to picture any situation in which I would wear a Vagina Mohawk. 

Like really, here's what would have to happen, followed by the chances of these things happening on a scale of 1-10.

1. I would have to shave my junk bald (0)
2. I would have to decide I needed a wig for my vaj (-6,000)
3. I would buy a wig for my vaj (-8,000)
4. I'd decide I needed that wig to look like a mohawk (7)

Please understand that at a certain point in my life, I pretty much gave up on hair maintenance in that "department," absent a beach-related emergency, which is rare in Alaska. As far as I'm concerned, it takes enough time and money to maintain the western-beauty standard of hair that people actually SEE--like on my head, face, and occasionally legs and armpits. 

I simply don't have the bandwidth for the rest of it. 

But if I did, I CERTAINLY wouldn't go through all the trouble to get rid of my pubes only to cover up the nice clean job I'd just done and make them look exactly the same again. 

At the risk of sounding sacrilegious, this is very similar to a custom I've never fully understood in ultra-religious Judaism, in which women shave their heads only to don a wig—called a sheitel—that looks exactly like regular hair.

That's what this is. It's a cooter sheitel. Kaimin has put the hot cooter in Haute Couture, and I am seeeeriously not here for it.

Friday, February 16, 2018

Ask a Bot: An Advice Column

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I'm getting toward middle age and my career has stalled out. What can I do to reboot it and start feeling fulfilled again at work?

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Lately I've noticed that my boyfriend has been acting distant. When I try to talk to him about it, he says nothing is wrong. What shouldI do?

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I'm a little insecure about my masculinity. I know I shouldn't be, but I can't help it. What do you suggest?

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Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Dear Sarah, I Am Sorry

Dear Sarah,

I don’t know you, but I am sorry.

I’m sorry the grownups who are in charge of this country didn’t protect you today. I’m sorry your friends had to die. I’m sorry we have not done better and fixed this mess.

I’m sorry that Congress is bought and paid for by the NRA. I am sorry the adults who are supposed to protect you value the so-called “right” of firearms manufacturers to sell assault rifles to teenagers over your rights and your friends’ rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

I’m sorry that you will relive this awful day for the rest of your life, and feel the trauma and pain of it. I am sorry because I’m an adult and a mother and I have failed you. I have failed you, and we have all been failing you for too long.

But I am also hopeful.

I'm hopeful because you are strong and brave, and you are the future of America. Not Trump. Not Wayne LaPierre. 


I am hopeful because you are already using your voice to speak up and say what you know is right and true. And you are going to make this country a better place one day because of it.


An Admirer in Alaska

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